At last! The 2007 college football season is about to

burst upon all those new wide-screen televisions! Although we are about

a week to the summer side of Labor Day, why not get excited now? After

all, our treasured autumn pastime is about to launch it’s annual

smear/wipeout/butt-kicking season.

Schools are looking at their 2007 schedules with

anticipation and dread. Winning and losing in the first few weeks of

the season can make or break one’s chances in the BCS. This year,

perennial FirstWorst favorite Duke has taken losing to a brand new

level by losing the ACC Championship – for 1965. Owing to a fluke of

scheduling and some kind of previous misapplication of the rules, the

Conference this week awarded the 1965 title exclusively to South

Carolina – stripping Duke of it’s share of the ACC crown. It isn’t bad

enough that Duke can’t kick an extra point and save a game against

another dog team, it can’t even hang onto a success from when the

biggest off-field concern was one’s draft number.

Since that

time, the college football season has evolved into a three-part series

of events. The Bowl season concludes the annual gridiron campaigns, the

conference season determines who attends which bowl games, and the

season-opening “games” are designed to – well – who knows what they are

designed to do. Although it escapes understanding how Nebraska improves

its performance on the field by wiping out Ball State, these games

actually count in poll calculations. It is equally curious why a

program like Ball State would acquiesce to visiting Lincoln in

September to receive the abuse. Perhaps the promise of a big paycheck

helps.

Some schools don’t think beating anyone 56-0 is any fun.

Their fans don’t either. For others, these early games may be their

only wins. Notre Dame boasts an incredibly difficult schedule this

year. In their quest for the national championship, the Irish are

rolling out some of the top football schools – not including poor Navy

and Air Force – to convince the BCS gurus that they are indeed the

best. ND leads with an opening game at home against Georgia Tech, hits

the road against Penn State and follows that up with a pleasure trip to

Ann Arbor for a date with Michigan. Kudos to the Irish for leading with

tough games!

On the other end, Duke University – champion of the

2006 FirstWorst poll and fresh off a stellar 0-12 season - also

confronts a very difficult schedule. Of course any game Duke schedules

will be difficult, but the Devils set themselves up with a tough road

by most standards in 2007. If it wasn’t enough to face Florida State,

Georgia Tech and Miami the wizards of Duke scheduling threw in Notre

Dame and Northwestern! Duke has the right idea for scheduling - if it

was Notre Dame. Unfortunately, they need Nebraska’s idea of scheduling

to get back on their feet. Duke recently hired a new head coach and

might not have accomplished much recruiting this year. They are just

trying to put a team on the field. Look for the Bleu Devils to make

another run at the 2007 FirstWorst Championship but give ‘em credit for

putting themselves on the field against opponents that people want to

see.

Why do so many top tier schools put dog games on their

schedule? Of course they want to avoid injuries, but a better course of

action to accomplish that would be to ban beer in the athletic dorm to

keep kids from falling down the stairs or tripping over cheerleaders.

Perhaps Ohio State wants to practice their second and third strings

against teams that don’t have matching uniforms. The reasons for these

games are anyone’s guess. But why a fan would pay attention to one is

beyond comprehension.

It is without shame that our premier

universities are charging admission to dedicated fans to watch some

incredibly lopsided games. These are simply embarrassing events

masquerading as football games. As a public service, The Scholarly

Sages of Sport at FirstWorst present the early season's worst ten

football games.

1. Appalachian State at Michigan. Saturday, September 1.

Mercy…why

would a perennial powerhouse stoop to this? And what does Michigan

expect to learn by playing this game? (and can the players spell

“Appalachian?”) Maybe this is a warm up primarily for the grounds crew

and stadium staff, but the Michigan football team could get more

experience playing against itself.

Appalachian State finished a

very respectable 13 – 1 in 2006… in what was then Division I-AA. The

Mountaineers apparently want to dip their big toe in big time college

football. Chances are that they will not only lose those big toes, but

lose the legs they are attached to as well as other vital body parts.

Adding to the tragedy of this game even being played, the thing is

actually going to be televised - probably to the Maize and Blue fans

who burned all their money on beer and didn’t have enough left over for

a ticket.

2. Western Kentucky at Florida – Saturday, September 1.

How

can this possibly be entertaining? The Gators bring their usual

first-rate team to the field to take on the Hilltopers in what is sure

to be a total thriller – primarily for the vendors. The stadium staff

better lay in extra beer for this one. This may be a warm up for Gator

fans to strengthen their arms doing the Gator-chomp and singing “Go

Gators!” while juiced up on barley beverages warmed to 100 degrees

inside their collective noggins.

3. Murray State at Louisville – Saturday, September 1.

Mark

your calendars for this one folks. It is slated for ESPN coverage! But

where is Murray State and what are they doing playing football? Murray

State actually does field a football team and is located in Murray, KY.

The school is proud to have finished the 2006 season a perfect 0-8 in

whatever lower level division they play in. And now they are headed to

play a hungry Louisville team anxious to break into the ranks of

consistent top football performers? Does Louisville have enough money

to pay a school like this to show up? The Cardinals posted a fab 12-1

record in the 2006 season including wins over some decent schools.

It

took the crack team at FirstWorst some extra research to determine that

the team name for Murray State is the ‘Racers’. (This is normally a

quick task, but the MSU -not Michigan State - website apparently lives

on someone’s dad’s ancient PC in the freshman dorm. The thing took

forever.) We would be hard-pressed to judge the quality of the

remainder of the Murray State schedule, as it includes schools most of

us have never heard of – including Lambuth.

4. Ohio State (weeks 1 and 2) versus Youngstown State and Akron.

The

storied Buckeyes are to be commended for at least keeping the

embarrassment in-state. OSU scores a big double-header win in the

FirstWorst blowout lineup this year with two sure-to-be-butt-kickings

at home.

OSU Alums must be paying travel expenses for these poor

schools, so they also want to keep expenses down. Even though there are

a couple of in state schools willing to show up in Columbus for a

complete public flogging, it amazes most scholarly readers that anyone

– including the OSU fans and Alums – would agree to be a part of it. It

adds to the embarrassment that the opponent monikers are the 'Penguins'

and ‘Zips’ respectively. You just can’t make this stuff up.

5. Florida International at Penn State – September 1.

FI

finished a perfect 0-12 last season, including an 0-7 mark in the

mighty Sun Belt Conference. Florida International must be looking for

recognition to aid in it’s recruiting efforts. Unfortunately, this one

is for comic relief only. The Nittany Lions will be sure to look past

FI to their date with Notre Dame at home in week 2, but State should be

able to send out their freshman squad and still hit triple digits.

Football scholars recommend keeping the clock moving at all times.

6. Troy at Florida – September 8.

Troy

had the honor of handing Nebraska a 56-0 victory last September in

Lincoln. It is part of the Troy Trojan Tradition (T3) to send a bunch

of guys to a big school to take pictures from the field and get whacked

by the opposition’s second and third strings. And God Bless ‘em, the

Trojans are kicking off their 2007 season against the Razorbacks in

Fayetteville on Sept. 1. These Trojans believe in themselves, however.

With a Sun Belt Conference title to their names in 06, these guys think

they can compete. Well… they certainly threw their helmets into the

right ring to find out. The line separating courage and stupidity is

impossible to distinguish at Troy. In fact, the Psych TAs offer a

workshop on the topic right after each game.

We really want to

know what Troy head coach Larry Blakeney will say prior to kick off

against Florida. “Protect yourself at all times?,” or “keep on

believing?” He has plenty of wins at Troy. Unfortunately, not many are

against teams that put more than 15,000 people in their stadiums. One

of these years though, Troy is gonna break through with a huge win

against a top tier school. You can’t say they don’t try. After all, you

have to be in ‘em to win ‘em. But then again, if a Lion invites you to

lunch, make sure he has eaten before you arrive.

7. Samford at Georgia Tech – September 1.

Samford

(not Stanford) finished 1-7 in the Ohio Valley Conference in 06 and is

primed to open the season against the G Tech Wrecks in Atlanta. Does

Samford give out football scholarships? Is there any provision for not

showing up?

How can this be enjoyable for a small school team?

The team gets to fly on a plane, but has to go to Atlanta and play

outside before Labor Day. Someone is getting a whole bunch of money for

this.

8. Idaho at USC – September 1.

Having the

Vandals invited to LA seems redundant. Does Idaho show up with paint

cans hidden in their equipment bags? So. Cal may have its own problems,

but winning isn’t going to be a concern for the Trojans. Why did USC

set this thing up? The boys from the wild northwest get a trip to the

big city, perhaps free tickets to Disneyland and lunch with a great big

mouse in exchange for agreeing to be on the same field at the same time

as the vaunted Trojans.

Besides a rout, what are USC or football

fans in general getting out of this deal? This game won’t be much of a

challenge or provide any kind of learning experience. But someone has

got to warm up the band and the USC Cheerleaders and it might as well

be another set of Vandals.

9. Citadel at Wisconsin – September 15

Who

is the Citadel? No one outside of the school really knows for sure, but

seems that they play in the Southern Conference along side such

traditional winners as Appalachian State and Elon. And now these guys

want to go up to Madison on the 15th to try and derail the Badgers? The

Citadel is a military school, but one doubts that among the

institutional values is the concept of suicide. So why in the world

would Citadel participate in this?

10 Rotten Game of the Week – Buffalo at Temple – September 8

The #10 spot in the FirstWorst game schedule is reserved for the rotten

game of the week. And this one is a rotten game each year. In 2006,

these two juggernauts slugged it out for a full 60 minutes without

either team scoring a touchdown. Buffalo turned in a stirring 1-7

conference mark, and looks poised to repeat in the MAC cellar. Instead

of recruiting, Temple used their off-season to design new uniforms to

lose in.

So mark your calendars football fans! The bending-over

season is upon us. And check back with the firstworst.com for reviews,

embarrassing moments and the weekly FirstWorst Futility Rankings.

The

FirstWorst Futility Rankings appear each Thursday in this space. Check

out the final 2006 rankings or look for the 2007 preseason notes. If

you would like to suggest a topic or think the Scholarly Sages of Sport

at FirstWorst have missed something, please send us a note! If your

question is printable and interesting, check for it on the

soon-to-be-appearing comments page.